Bush & Cheney Resign ­ Hastert Wrestles with U.S. Presidency

Washington- Last night’s surprise announcement from the Whitehouse that both George W. Bush and Richard Cheney are stepping down from office sent Washington wags into a tailspin of confusion and controversy. Both Republican leaders have been under fire recently for mishandling of the so-called War on Terrorism and their actions with regard to the 9/11 tragedy, but no one close to the Whitehouse expected such a move. "It appears as if Bush and Cheney just cut bait and bailed", said former administration spokesman Imma Fisher, "the whole town is in turmoil." It's not certain if the present hearings on 9/11 have any bearing on the unexpected turn of events or that rumors of the U.S. Treasury being found empty in the early hours of the morning is somehow related to the sudden departure.

Secret Service agents have sent a detachment to protect David Hastert, the Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives who, according to the U.S. Constitution, is next in line for the presidency in the event of such a crisis. However, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, in a hastily called press conference at the Pentagon has claimed that he will assume the job of president "since no one’s paying any attention to the constitution anyway".
Rumsfeld further stated, "The country is at war, constant war, and we need a constant war president. One that’s constant, constantly at war. Would such a president need to be strong? Yes. Would he have to go it alone when the going gets tough? Of course. Am I that man? Obviously!" Referring to Hastert, a former wrestling coach, the Secretary, also a former wrestler in college, noted: "who ever assumes the role of president of the United States must have a good grip on the issues we face. Do I have a hold on such issues? Certainly! Does Mr. Hastert? Not really."

Hastert, however, is contesting Rumsfeld’s claim. In his own hastily called press conference on Capital Hill the Speaker said: "Regardless of recent legislative efforts to subvert the constitution and the rule of law in the United States, we still have some traditions that must be honored. The succession of the presidency is one of those traditions. If it weren’t so we wouldn’t have a former President Ford." Asked what he intended to do with regard to the Secretary of Defense’s claim to the office, Hastert said: "Mr. Rumsfeld has been under a great deal of stress lately. The quaqmire..er… occupation of Iraq, the deteriorating situation in Afghanistan, the stress of managing coups in Haiti, Venezuela, and all those other little nations has taken a toll on the Secretary. I feel certain Mr. Rumsfeld will reconsider his position once he sees all the facts."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch in Crawford, Texas, the former occupant of the Whitehouse is taking time off to enjoy a rodeo and barbeque held in his honor by friends in the oil industry. Mr.Bush, who would not comment on this report, was accompanied by his former aides Paul Wolfowitz and Karl Rove as they watched other rodeo clowns and trick riders do their routines.
Mr. Cheney, on the other hand, has taken up residence at an undisclosed location. It is rumored that National Security Advisor, Condolesa Rice may be joining him.

# # # #

(Help for this report came from Faux News and the Few Charitable Trusts for Reporting)

add a comment on this article


tomus 01.Apr.2004 11:17

this must be an april fools joke.

only if

fat ass tito 01.Apr.2004 12:24

rummy would arrest us all

What the hell man

nicole 01.Apr.2004 17:34

i got fooled

i wish!

govt__cheese 01.Apr.2004 18:58

one can only wish for bush to bail!!

Liberals Suck. I know, I'm a recovering leftist.

antileft2000@yahoo.com 01.Apr.2004 20:33

Vote for Bush, 2004


* Will devote his presidency to arresting leftists.
* Will destroy terrorist networks and bring fugitives to justice.
* Will elliminate communism and other forms of tyrrany.
* Will promote capitalism through out the world, thus maximising individual rights.

What I'd like to see

Loki 01.Apr.2004 21:04

Any of you heard the Pink Floyd son "Fletcher Memorial Home?" "The fletcher Memorial home for uncurable wasters of life and limb."

Anyway, I would like to see Bush, Asscroft, Rumsfeld, Rice, Cheney, Powel and the rest put in strait Jackets, and placed in the Fletcher Memorial home. (too bad the place doesn't exist.)

Force Bush to share a room with Saddam Hussain. Bush can have a state of the Union address to some stuffed animals, telling them "you are either with us, or your'e with the terrorists!!!" While Saddam fires a cap gun in mid air. Rumsfeld would be forced to wach a closed circut broadcast of Osama Bin Laddin, (who would be in the next room broadcasting to all the other rooms via closed cirut. Imagin Rumseld and bin Laddin wearing strait jackets.)

And to make sure they don't hurt anyone else, keep them heavily sedated. Inject them with high doses of seditives, put seditives in their food. and every afternoon, wheel them outside for a game of kickball, under the watchful eye of orderlies (former Jerry Springer bouncers,) and a nurse (who is alot like nurse Ratchet from One flew over the cucoo's nest.) to keep everyone in line.