Top Ten Tips for Modern Management

Tired of being told off for banging tables and shouting at minions?
Baffled by the brave new cuddly corporatism?
Despair no longer, follow our Ten Top Tips for success in Modern Management:

DON'T say 'I'm the boss, you'll do as I tell you'.
DO say 'We're a team and these are our goals'.

DON'T ignore workload complaints, agree to prioritise.
DO then mark every job 'top priority'.

DON'T blame your staff for your mistakes.
DO say you 'take full responsibility' thus hinting that they are to blame really.

DON'T refuse staff access to or funding for training.
DO make sure they're far too busy to go on it.

DON'T block staff holidays.
DO book urgent jobs into the time they want off then ask them to 'sort it out between themselves' (call it 'empowering' them).

DON'T discipline staff for time off due to a chronic medical condition.
DO hold a team meeting in their absence about covering their work, and hint at team bonuses lost due to their sickness record.

DON'T dismiss health & safety concerns as 'PC rubbish'.
DO make up pointless and silly procedures supposedly required by 'the H&S people', then bow to staff pressure to drop the whole thing.

DON'T stop staff from becoming a trade union rep.
DO arbitrarily re-assign their most boring and onerous tasks to their colleagues while emphasising how important their 'union career' is, then sit back and wait.

DON'T allow staff to have team meetings without you, nor attend meetings involving your bosses.
DO allow staff to raise concerns 'in strict confidence' then let slip what they said to one of their colleagues also 'in strict confidence'.

DON'T stay in the same job too long.
DO move on before they find the bodies.

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